A new beginning…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

I received this quote on that acting class I took last week. Have you ever felt you must do something? I felt I had to do the course. After I finished it I felt deeply disappointed. I didn’t even spend some more time with those who did the class, I just left and I walked my way home couldn’t help crying… I just didn’t care that the people turned their head after me…it was dark outside, it was dark in me… I felt so helpless and small. I felt I was nobody…

I did an exercise in there. And then I was asked to say the truth about myself. And I told the truth. My truth. They called me a liar. I was so shocked that I just couldn’t say another word. There were tough words I felt like saying to defend myself but I just kept quiet. There was nothing to defend. The fate of the truth is to look ridiculous before being accepted. Those people didn’t understand that my time is too precious to afford to tell a lie. And no one in that room was so important to make me say a lie. I wouldn’t lie the president himself if he was in that room. Why?

No one understands what a pleasure is for me to say the truth. Even if it hurts. And in the faculty of arts I was trained not to fear to open my secret rooms of the heart, especially those who hurt the most. I was surrounded by actors but no one understood they could see me crying because they are the only persons on this planet allowd to see me crying. And we’re supposed to trust each other. And that room… The vibe… It just opened my heart in a way that didn’t happened for a long time. I realized how much time I’ve lost and what I should have become so far… I realized I was alone, I realized I have so much love to give and all I have is a nevrotic mother and a schizophrenic sister I must take care of and that cuts all my hope for having my own family… I felt like crying all the time, I couldn’t help myself and that gave me the fear of a person on the edge. Maybe I need medical assistance. Maybe I am in danger to loose my mind myself. I may look like a strong person and my crying in there was just a way to tell “Look what a good cryer I am: all I have to do is snap my fingers and, look, I’m crying. I am the best actress in the world, you fools, you are just wasting my time here!!!” IF that’s what they saw, I’m not surprised of what they actually thought about me.

The teacher called me a liar. And all the others approved.

I was asked on the phone by a journalist, a good friend of mine from my home town  about what I’ve done in that acting class. All I could say was that I made a mistake taking the class.”Did they even gave you an official paper that you took that class?” I told her no one gives you a piece of paper after just five days of work, that was not the point in that class.

 I couldn’t remember anything. Everything that teacher asked me to do was already in my everyday programme. No one asked me about  my notebook. It was the notebook I’ve been doing my morning pages for a long time.

And the quote above… I felt it in my heart for a long time. When I read it I felt like I read my mind each time I was looking into the mirror in times of not knowing what to do. I didn’t need this acting class. I don’t need anybody to confirm my power. It’s in me. And I will do what I must do. Acting… if I will have the cance. Singing … if I will have the chance. I must never loose faith. And have confidence in me. Never loose faith, never stop training and never expect anyone to tell me I’m good.   I know that – and it’s enough. The others will just have to notice that . Soon…

Iubeste pur si simplu

Barbatilor din viata mea, celor care mi-au frant inima in special, le multumesc ca m-au facut sa cunosc iubirea. Si mai ales dulcea suferinta a iubirii. Am plans cu lacrimi amare dupa absolut fiecare dintre ei si se pot felicita, degetele de la maini sunt mai multe decat au fost cei pe care mi i-am dorit tatal copiilor mei. Si la varsta mea ar cam fi trebuit sa fie ceva mai multi daca tot nu m-am casatorit. Nu m-am razbunat decat intr-un singur fel : m-am consolat ca acesta a fost modul lor de a ma birui, dar stiu precis ca toti fara exceptie au momente in viata lor in care  imi simt cu disperare lipsa. Da, din fericire stiu asta…

Cand esti singur si ai doar un singur mod de a te exprima si ajungi intr-o fundatura (desi ai crezut ca la capatul acelui drum e panglica de finish si trofeul) depinde foarte mult de intelepciunea cu care iei in acel moment o decizie. La prima privire e normal sa te sperii. Dar si frica e parte din viata. Daca poti sa ti-o asumi si sa-ti ascuti simturile cu ajutorul ei, urmarea e nu doar spectaculoasa pentru public dar cea mai de folos pentru tine. Ai ajuns in fundatura. Privesti zidul din fata ta si  intr-o secunda stii sigur ca cineva depinde de reactia ta, depinde de disperarea si deznadejdea ta. Cum sa nu fie minunat sa-ti ascunzi spaima si sa te intorci cu curaj si sa-i privesti in ochi pe cei care se asteapta sa te vada in sfarsit in genunchi , cerand spasit ajutor ? Cum sa nu fie minunat sa te intorci din drum si sa treci printre ei , nepasatoare, lasandu-i cu gura cascata, cu o expresie gen « Nici nu-mi pasa de voi, suckerilor… »

Oricat de grele au fost unele momente din viata mea, daca cineva m-a facut sa ma indragostesc, am castgat. Pentru ca am scris un cantec. Si asta ramane. Restul sunt etape de viata mai mult sau mai putin spectaculoase (ce folos daca nu ai scris un cantec cu adevarat extras din dulcea suferinta a iubirii ?)

E foarte important sa nu-ti pierzi nadejdea si sa nu disperi daca te simti blestemat ca ai de rezolvat o problema atat de mare incat pare ca istoria lumii insasi atarna de decizia ta. Chiar daca ar fi ca istoria lumii insasi sa depinda de tine, nu dispera. Bucura-te si nu-ti fie teama sa alegi drumul cel mai greu daca de asta depinde integritatea ta. Si doreste-ti iubirea. Iubirea aceea frumoasa care dainuie cu mult peste bietele dorinte carnale. Iubeste pur si simplu. Asta e tot ce trebuie sa faci.