A new beginning…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

I received this quote on that acting class I took last week. Have you ever felt you must do something? I felt I had to do the course. After I finished it I felt deeply disappointed. I didn’t even spend some more time with those who did the class, I just left and I walked my way home couldn’t help crying… I just didn’t care that the people turned their head after me…it was dark outside, it was dark in me… I felt so helpless and small. I felt I was nobody…

I did an exercise in there. And then I was asked to say the truth about myself. And I told the truth. My truth. They called me a liar. I was so shocked that I just couldn’t say another word. There were tough words I felt like saying to defend myself but I just kept quiet. There was nothing to defend. The fate of the truth is to look ridiculous before being accepted. Those people didn’t understand that my time is too precious to afford to tell a lie. And no one in that room was so important to make me say a lie. I wouldn’t lie the president himself if he was in that room. Why?

No one understands what a pleasure is for me to say the truth. Even if it hurts. And in the faculty of arts I was trained not to fear to open my secret rooms of the heart, especially those who hurt the most. I was surrounded by actors but no one understood they could see me crying because they are the only persons on this planet allowd to see me crying. And we’re supposed to trust each other. And that room… The vibe… It just opened my heart in a way that didn’t happened for a long time. I realized how much time I’ve lost and what I should have become so far… I realized I was alone, I realized I have so much love to give and all I have is a nevrotic mother and a schizophrenic sister I must take care of and that cuts all my hope for having my own family… I felt like crying all the time, I couldn’t help myself and that gave me the fear of a person on the edge. Maybe I need medical assistance. Maybe I am in danger to loose my mind myself. I may look like a strong person and my crying in there was just a way to tell “Look what a good cryer I am: all I have to do is snap my fingers and, look, I’m crying. I am the best actress in the world, you fools, you are just wasting my time here!!!” IF that’s what they saw, I’m not surprised of what they actually thought about me.

The teacher called me a liar. And all the others approved.

I was asked on the phone by a journalist, a good friend of mine from my home town  about what I’ve done in that acting class. All I could say was that I made a mistake taking the class.”Did they even gave you an official paper that you took that class?” I told her no one gives you a piece of paper after just five days of work, that was not the point in that class.

 I couldn’t remember anything. Everything that teacher asked me to do was already in my everyday programme. No one asked me about  my notebook. It was the notebook I’ve been doing my morning pages for a long time.

And the quote above… I felt it in my heart for a long time. When I read it I felt like I read my mind each time I was looking into the mirror in times of not knowing what to do. I didn’t need this acting class. I don’t need anybody to confirm my power. It’s in me. And I will do what I must do. Acting… if I will have the cance. Singing … if I will have the chance. I must never loose faith. And have confidence in me. Never loose faith, never stop training and never expect anyone to tell me I’m good.   I know that – and it’s enough. The others will just have to notice that . Soon…

5 răspunsuri la „A new beginning…”

  1. Buna, Magdalena! Clipele acestea de sarbatoare sa fie purtate pe umeri de spiritul Craciunului pentru tine!
    Am nimerit din intamplare pe blogul tau sau poate ca nu…imi amintesc replica extraordinara care „a rupt” barierele dintre stiinta si religie, apartinand lui Albert Einstein: „coincidenta este felul lui Dumnezeu de a ramane anonim.”
    Am rasfirat cateva din postarile tale si imi place cum reusesti sa transpui in cuvinte emotiile, sentimentele si gandurile tale. Cred ca esenta a ceea ce vrei sa transmiti ajunge la…acele anonime suflete destintare…la acele suflete care se regasesc !!! Pe scurt, imi place cum scrii ! te-am auzit si cantand, dar sunt placut surprinsa de modul cum scrii!
    Numai bine si voi mai poposi pe blogul tau!
    La multi ani!


    1. Multumesc pentru apreciere – nu esti prima persoana care ramane placut surprinsa de felul cum scriu, iar eu ma mir la randul meu , intrebandu-ma ce cred cu adevarat oamenii despre mine – daca iti place cum compun muzica, de ce sa te surprinda felul in care scriu ? Mie mi se pare fix acelasi lucru. Daca nu m-as pricepe sa scriu, cum te-as putea surprinde muzical? Cantautoare fiind aceste doua lucruri merg mana in mana. In ambele domenii incerc sa fotografiez emotia. Si fotografie daca as face sunt convinsa ca as reusi acelasi lucru. Sau nu?…
      Iar felul lui Dumnezeu de a ramane anonim incepe sa ma oboseasca. Viata mea in ultima vreme se concentreaza pe doua versuri din ultima mea compozitie orchestrata „Demon Blue ” : „I need to know He’s hearing me / I need to know He’s forgiven me…”

  2. Poate ca e acelasi lucru din perspectiva ta, insa eu percep anumite diferente de nuanta in sensul ca atunci cand scrii pentru muzica e nevoie de inspiratia de a cuprinde esenta meajului in cateva versuri, de profunzime in „3 minute”. Surprinderea mea a vizat faptul ca te-am descoperit la fel de profunda si cand „spatiul” este mai larg, nu te-ai lasat prinsa in detalii inutile, ideile curg extrem de placut. Nici nu m-am gandit ca nu te-ai pricepe la scris, din moment ce esti cantautoare. Si, da, atunci cand ai LICARUL ACELA poti face si fotografie!!!

    1. E bine de stiut… Cand m-o lasa vocea sa stiu cum sa surprind altfel emotia si sa o arat si altora (nu-mi place sa ma bucur singura de ceea ce descoper, e minunat sa vad ca se bucura si altii de descoperirile mele 😉 )
      Am aflat insa ca pasiunea pentru fotografie este extrem de …costisitoare 😀

  3. ai dreptate.Un cantautor stie sa si cante,si sa scrie iar tu esti un artist in ambele cazuri.Asa cum ti-am mai scris si ma bucur enorm ca m-ai luat in seama,ai hotarat sa nu cedezi in niciun fel si niciodata lupta si te mai rog sa incerci sa nu te indoiesti de faptul ca Dumnezeu si-a intors fata de la noi.Oare nu cumva stam noi cu spatele spre El.Chipul tau frumos pe care-l ai,nu cumva El ti l-a dat?,vocea ta deosebita ,nu cumva ai primit-o tot de la El?,.Gandestete la toate astea ca si eu m-am gandit multa vreme.Iti urez ca in 2010 sa ai parte de tot cet-ti doresti si sa fi sanatoasa.PA.

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